Holding onto a past long forgotten

I make my life in the images of who I used to be,

each smile faked hiding in front of tears.

Looking into who I was making this wretch I am,

no way out of this brokenness I am swimming in.

Today I cry for yesterday like it was now that I see,

each pressing heartbeat cringing onto my release.

There is only painful thoughts in what I choose to believe,

from the touch of love to the way I killed it the same.

Am I just a memory in my own world caused by grief,

or am I something more that I just fail to see?

I beg for nothing on my knees pleading for my eyes to close,

and as the light fades away I dream of a year before.

I don’t know why it is always the past that holds my heart,

afraid to live on in the guilt created by my dreams.

I see the pictures where I was somewhat happy being me,

unlike what I see now when I look into the mirror.

Each tear I cry for who I have let go of in my eyes,

painful memories are all that I have left to envision.

No longing left to subdue my shame in times of fear,

where I once knew a love so beautiful I fail to hold onto.

The scars on my heart speak louder than my lips ever could,

the blood I spilt in the tears cried for who I was in time.

Nothing left to cherish but these feelings of regret,

only pain now to see in all that I used to hold so close.

My heart screams as I wake up alone again,

no love left to hold, no memory left to forget.











Johnny Newell